There’s no feeling like holding your newborn for the first time. But there’s another side to childbirth that people often don’t talk about – the trauma that can cast a shadow for years to come. My husband Steve and I were thrilled to learn I was pregnant three months after our wedding. Our baby was due on 15 December 2007, Short men haircut but it wasn’t until Christmas Day that I felt the first contractions. After 48 hours and an emergency caesarean, my baby was born. â˜It’s a boy,’ Steve grinned. As I held little Joseph, I felt nothing but love. But that night, once everyone had left, the midwife peered under the blanket covering my stomach and looked horrified. I was haemorrhaging – and hadn’t even realised. Blood was soaking the sheets. â˜We’re going to have to take you to theatre,’ the consultant said, putting me under general anaesthetic. Short men haircut When I came round, I had a ventilator over my mouth â˜You almost died,’ my sister Laura said. â˜But you’re safe now.’ But I felt far from safe. I’d pictured myself cuddling my baby, not battling for my life in intensive care. Short men haircut Back home, a dark shadow hung over me and I was plagued with flashbacks from the birth. Constantly anxious, I could barely leave Joseph asleep in his cot without thinking something terrible would happen to him. Within weeks, my anxiety turned into panic attacks.